Poop Astrology: What Your Sign Says About Your #2
Is your digestive future written in the stars? Whether you’re a virtuous Virgo or a spontaneous Sag, we break down everything you need to know about your sign’s bathroom style.
Okay, so poop astrology isn’t exactly a science. But if you ask me, bowel movements and the zodiac are more fun and engaging topics than most, so we might as well mix them together and see what we get… amirite?
Below, we’re talking all things number two—ranging from bathroom settings and poop quality to gut-friendly tips and tricks to yield the poop of your dreams. (All from an astrological perspective, of course.) We hope you find your reading as satisfactory as the best BM you’ve ever had.
Going hot, fast, and heavy might be your typical modus operandi… but you don’t want these terms to describe your toilet time. Passing BMs shouldn’t be a race, so take care to take it nice and easy. That means no straining and give yourself time to simply be in the bathroom. Don’t get frustrated if your poops aren’t as solid or frequent as you’d like them to be. Repeat it with me: It’s not a competition. You may wish to prioritize fibrous foods that’ll bulk up your stool (think apples, dates, whole wheat bread, beans, and chickpeas), and potentially lay off spicier meals if and when your stools get fiery.
Bulls love routine and sensorial pleasures—so those who have consistent BMs like clockwork are likely to feel happier and more harmonious than other signs. However, if you’re thrown off your game (whether from traveling, getting sick, or another outlier), you’ll probably get agitated and feel generally off across the board. Don’t fret; simply take things one bite at a time, and trust that you’ll get back on your bowel bandwagon soon enough. Tauruses are also notorious for having a sweet tooth. That said, take care to curb excess sugar intake when possible, as the sweet stuff can seriously mess with your microbiome. Need a hand? You may want to add HUM’s Counter Cravings to your routine.
Gems are the social butterflies of the zodiac, always flitting from one group and gathering to the next. I liken them to the ideal party hosts or guests, as they have the gift of gab and can keep conversations flowing, no matter the crowd. The next time you invite people over or receive an invite to BYO food and drinks, consider going the gut-friendly route to ensure that the partygoers won’t feel worse for wear from bloating and stomach pains from simple carbs. (Hangovers, of course, are another story.) Think: low- or no-sugar mixers like sparkling water, tonic, and citrus fruits; vitamin- and fiber-rich crudités with deliciously pro-digestion dips like hummus and tahini; and roasted veggies for sides. No one likes a party pooper—but with this spread, you and the whole crowd should be primed for uninterrupted BMs the following day.
Since Cancers feel their best when they’re on solid ground, they’ll be all the wiser to make their bathroom a safe, serene space for passing stool. It could be nice to have a reed diffuser on the sink to improve the mood (and scent) of your bathroom… and maybe keep an extra candle or two on hand for when things get extra intense. A footstool that facilitates a squatting position could also come in handy for Crabs and their co-habitants alike; they allow the colon to get into a comfortable position to go number two without straining. A struggle- and stress-free bathroom just may naturally contribute to struggle- and stress-free poops.
Your poops are as perfect as you are, dear Leo! Or… at least you’d like them to be, and you need some help achieving A-list caliber BMs. You may even find that you can witness the subpar quality of your digestive tract on your skin. After all, a healthy gut supports a clear and calm complexion. If the state of your gut and skin doesn’t make you feel as confident as usual, consider taking HUM’s Skin Squad: a pre- and probiotic supplement formulated with specific strains proven to improve microbial balance and skin clarity. A 2-for-1 product that makes you look *and* feel great? Lions will be roaring with delight.
Virgos are one of the best signs to consult if you’re in a pinch—whether that be a friendship fight, work woe, relationship wreck, or even a poo problem. The chances are high Virgos already have the necessary goods for whenever an issue in the last camp should arise. But in case you’re in the market to fill out your medicine cabinet, be sure to keep HUM’s Flatter Me digestive enzymes on hand. Any visitors will be happy to have them close if they have trouble digesting your home-cooked meals. We’re sure that you make them with care and devotion—and follow recipes to a T at that—but it’s good to have some reinforcements in stock if your dishes don’t agree with the guts of your guests.
I think of Libras as the quintessential pals of the zodiac: always at the ready to socialize and grab a bite (or drink) when asked. Enjoying too many meals that aren’t fresh and home-cooked, however, can quickly lead to bloating and feelings of heaviness. Now, that’s not to say that digestive upset will be inevitable—or that you should swear off dining socially at restaurants completely. But if this all sounds familiar, there are a few expert-backed tips you can follow to boost digestion during and after a big meal. Some of the best include adding bitter foods (like bitter greens and cruciferous veggies) to your plate, chewing slowly, and walking it off after you close the bill.
Scorpios have a harder time than most when they feel like they’re not in control. The same can be said for when they feel like food is hurting—instead of nurturing—them. Perhaps you feel nauseous after eating and don’t understand why. A few culprits could be lurking: There’s a chance you’re not chewing enough, you’re packing too much onto your plate, or that you’re not getting enough fiber. But perhaps something greater is at play. If dining leads to digestive distress more often than not, you may have food sensitivities or microbiome imbalances. If DIY dietary and lifestyle adjustments aren’t yielding relief (in the form of satisfying BMs or otherwise), it may be time to consult a registered dietitian or another trusted healthcare professional. They’ll be able to more accurately target the root of your tummy woes, and help you regain the sense control and clarity you need.
Sags are the quintessential students and cultural connoisseurs of the zodiac. You know a lot because you put in the time and effort to find the facts and do the necessary myth-busting. The same should go for when you need to get to the bottom of… well, your bottom. If you see a gut health hack on TikTok that seems too good to be true (or too suspect to be sure), we bet you’ll be prudent enough to weed out the yays from the nays. You’re loyal, honest, and you care for others, so be sure to share your digestion-focused discoveries with friends and the wider world.
Caps are persistent and practical. If your poops are off the (Bristol stool) charts in a bad way, you must know that your BMs won’t be a ”perfect” 3 or 4 overnight. With that said, make a list of what you’ll need to do today and the days after to get your poops in better shape. (Speaking of shapes, a snake-like one would be a great goal to keep in mind.) You may need to clean up your diet and restore your gut, and a probiotic supplement like HUM’s Gut Instinct can complement a new and improved dietary regimen. Stay the course to enjoy a healthier gut within a few months’ time.
Innovation. Technology. Eccentricity. These are only a few words that tickle the fancy of an Aquarius, so you might as well have them carry over to your business in the bathroom as well. Bidets and souped-up toilets—with automated functions, heated seats, dryers, and the works—aren’t as common in the US as they are in other parts of the world—but you may find that investing in one will make your toilet time all the more enjoyable, and your BMs ever more bountiful. (Not to mention it’ll make for a fun flex when you have company over.)
As the dreamers and sages of the zodiac, Pisces absorb a lot from the world around them, ranging from the physical to the spiritual. Taking in so much, so often, can get challenging, potentially leading to overwhelm and a twisted tummy. At times like these, you may struggle to pass solid BMs, or even a single BM daily for that matter. While stress isn’t necessarily a primary cause of constipation, it can very well contribute to it—so take a deep breath, meditate, and do whatever self-care practices you prefer that promote calm and inner peace. Of course, you’ll want to eat a well-rounded diet, as well as drink enough water to get your bowels moving with the currents of your colon.
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